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Sarah's Experience: Embracing A Non-Sexual Identity

A 37-year-old woman: “I’ve not once been fond of sex. As a child, I thought broken because people put it on a pedestal.”

The only matter that Cameron and I have ever disagreed on is intimacy in our relationship. When we met nine years ago, physical intimacy was clearly something he wanted on a regular basis than me. Following half a year of seeing each other, we chose to pursue an open arrangement so that he could pursue partners who desire more intimacy than me.

At first, there were feelings of jealousy at first, but our relationship was reinforced thanks to honest talks, and I came to feel very confident in our partnership. It became a great benefit for both of us, as I’ve never truly enjoyed sex. As a teen, I thought broken because society at large emphasized its importance, but I never fully comprehended what was so great about it.

Upon finding a book about asexuality online a while back, it was like looking in a mirror. I felt surprised, since back then I identified as a a person who enjoys sex – I find solo sex satisfying, and I experienced a fair amount of sex during my twenties. But I believe I had those encounters due to the fact that I experienced shame – a hangover of my youth in a world that teaches us one must please your man.

The resource revealed to me was that asexuality is a wide range. For example, I lack urge, including towards those who I consider attractive. I admire their beauty, but I have no desire to engage sexually with them. But I appreciate having orgasms. To me, it’s fun and it’s a way to unwind – a way to empty everything on my mind upstairs.

It felt incredibly liberating to share with Cameron that I identify as asexual. He supports this. We do still be physical, as I feel profound closeness as well as emotional unity when we do, and I am choosing intentionally when I want to bond with him through that act. It isn’t that I have a libido, but I have alternative purposes to be intimate, like desiring emotional intimacy. I see how much he enjoys it, and that gives me pleasure. Similarly that an individual who is sexual can decide to refrain from sex, I can decide to engage in intimacy for alternative motivations than being turned on.

Cameron's Perspective: Love Outside of Sex

A 36-year-old man: The fact that sex isn’t the focus is not a sign that affection isn’t.”

Physical intimacy had been a high priority to me. It was the source from which I derived plenty of my self-esteem. I was ill and hospitalized a lot during my teens, so sex turned into an activity that I believed offered mastery with my physical self. This began to really change when I met Sarah, since sex was no longer the most important thing in our relationship.

With Sarah, I discovered additional merit in different aspects of who I am, and it reduced the importance of sex. I don’t want to engage sexually outside our relationship currently. Whenever I experience the urge for intimacy, I have other ways I can manage it. Solo sex is a possibility, but it might involve a long walk, reflecting on my thoughts or creative expression.

After Sarah realized this part of herself, I came to see that intimacy is more about emotional connection. It can happen via physical intimacy, but as well as through alternative ways that are equally worthy and gratifying. I had a set understanding of the meaning of asexuality – if you didn’t have sex, you never have sexual feelings. But it varies widely, and it needs exploration to understand your position along it.

Our relationship has lasted for nine years, and the fact that intimacy isn’t a priority does not imply that love is absent. Planning intentional periods for romance is very important for us. Occasionally we work on creative projects and build them step by step every morning, which is very connecting. Or we plan an evening out and go out for a non-alcoholic drink and dinner. We cuddle and make plans down the road, which is an act of love. I feel a lot of pleasure from cooking for other people, and it makes me deeply fulfilled in a similar way to afterglow of sex.

Her identity has enlarged the understanding of what our relationship means. It’s like constraining the tools you have to work with – you have to think innovatively with your current situation. It challenges you to think in different ways. But it never reduced the love that I had for her in any way.